The baby is napping and the older kids have been whisked off to Grandma’s for a sleepover…
Time to write? Don’t mind if I do.
Let me just preface this post with a small disclaimer:
I am a human. I make mistakes in the millions and I say the stupid shit that most people know not to say. I fuck up and then I suck it up because I consider myself a good person who attempts to do the right thing. I usually laugh off a lot of shit because laughing makes me feel way better then crying. I started this blog because sharing it makes me feel really good. If ever it doesn’t, I’ll stop.
So, I’m a really lucky bitch. I have a large extended family who resides in the same town as I. My grandmother is 91 and not only still drives but lives 20 minutes away. The hubby and I have siblings we are close to and parents we adore. We have some really great friends and the boys want for nothing. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky while I spent the majority of my life feeling like I didn’t deserve it.
Isn’t that crazy? And when I stop to think about it I’m just amazed. Where does this feeling come from?
After the birth of my first child I was a straight up shit show. I felt this need to be everything to everybody all the time, and for what? All of that behavior made me feel worse and less then I had already felt. Over and over my inner voice kept saying the one phrase that scared the shit outta me, that I dreaded everyone already was saying…. It was on loop.
“You’re doing it wrong!” “You’re doing it wrong!”
And come to find out no one was saying that.
And of course now here I am one month after the birth of my third child and I still hear HER saying that. That nagging inner bitch who wants to spoil my party still tries to creep in every once in awhile with her self hating, demeaning, diva bullshit. But this time she’s drowned out by the laughter of my boys while they admire their new baby brother, or a story about the funny thing that happened to Hubby at work, or song lyrics, or a recipe or just the sound of my baby snoring.
Because I told that self conscious voice to fuck off a long time ago. And she’s not coming back. Not if I have anything to say about it.
So, I might not be doing it RIGHT all the time….
But I am DEFINITELY, not doing it wrong.