A Toddlers Guide to Clean Eating

Today was the 3-year-old’s last day of school. They had a sweet little show where the kids sang songs and did dances. It was completely adorable and for a tiny millisecond you can almost forget that cute little angel is your psychotic toddler.

This is bad.

Never forget.

Don’t even think about forgetting the fact that in an instant they can go from “Aw” to The Exorcist.

I’m telling you this not to scare you (but lets face it, fear is your friend with a toddler) but to keep you on your toes. The very toes he’s going to pound with his fists during the next tantrum.

In our normal, everyday life I make pretty good choices on what to feed my kids. This usually depends on my exhaustion level. We don’t do a lot of fast or frozen foods, or candy, or sweets. The oldest has juice, but not the 3-year-old. And when they don’t eat shit, you can really see a difference in their personality. At least I can see the difference in my kids. I can probably see the difference in your kids too but they aren’t my problem.

That’s why it is totally my fault what is happening right now. Letting my guard down today was a huge mistake and I’m paying for it. In spades.

It’s to the point of Masochism. I knew what the outcome was going to be but I allowed it to happen anyway. Touche peer pressure.

After the little play they had an Ice Cream Social to end the school year.  My very hungry caterpillar had a loaded ice cream sundae, with chocolate sauce, and mini-m&m’s. Then he ate a brownie. And I’m watching him consume all this junk and saying to myself, “he never gets treats like this, it’s only one day. How can I deny him when he’s not allergic, he hasn’t been bad, all his friends are doing it?”.

But I know better.

Then his teacher gave him a lovely end of the year gift… a beach pail filled with toys, and his name on it. So sweet of her. As I loaded the kids into the car I was busy looking at everything and reading her card to me {a tear-jerker for sure}. I missed the fact that a pack of Skittles was also in the pail. 3-year-old didn’t miss a beat and started pigging out on Skittles.

By the time we got home things were going downhill.

“I don’t wanna take a nap, I big boy”

Big boys take naps.

“Not Daddy, not big brother.”

Daddy’s at work, I can assure you if he were home, he would be napping.

“YOU MEAN MOMMY!”

{Oh Hell No! I’m nice Mommy. You’re Fidel Castro with a sugar high. Don’t get it twisted}

I’m sorry you feel that way.

Once we arrived home he seemed to chill out a bit. We watched some mindless children’s programming but he barely took a bite of the sandwich I made him.

As nap time approached I gave him lots of notice. All met with a very specific type of anger that is the true symbol of a sugar crash.

He’s in his bed right now pitching a fit reminiscent of Veruca Salt.

Note to self, stop at one bowl of ice cream and next time, make sure you have enough wine.

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Life Chef (Top Chef for Real Moms)

Life Chef

I love cooking competition shows.  I mean, I, really, really love them.  Top Chef, Knife Fight, Kitchen Nightmares, Iron Chef…. that shit is the bomb.

You will often find me making dinner watching episodes from the DVR while hushing the children… “I wanna see Anthony Bourdain rip this guy a new one.  Can you just give me a minute.”

Of course, due to that fact that my whole life is based around taking care of my family and playing out little mini movies of things that might never happen in my head, I came up with an idea…. Ding, ding, ding.  Can you smell it? That’s me, thinking.  This IS your mother’s cooking show.

It started with this FB post…

“I used to really like Top Chef.
But now that I have a bazillion kids I think Top Chef is bullshit.

Now here’s a cooking show idea that we would all totally watch…. Take a world renown chef and strap a 3 month old baby on them in a front carrier, then give them a 9-year-old who needs help with 6 pages of algebra…. and just for shits and giggles, chuck in a 3-year-old who wants to “help them cook”.

Here’s my pitch ‪#‎NBC‬. I call it ‪#‎LifeChef‬

I really think this could be a cool ass show.  But replace world renown chef’s with just parent chefs… people who have kids who try to actually cook a meal.  Shit, even if you’re just taking something out of the freezer with a gaggle of kids… that’s still cooking.  I’m down.

So tonight, as I had to run off to soccer, I thought more about Life Chef, now it’s a kinda funny baby to me… and I posted more on my FB page…

“Tonight, on Life Chef, our favorite Outnumbered Mother hits up the last soccer game of the regular season with the whole fan-damily in tow.
Can she reheat the rigatoni afterwards without everyone starving to death, while wearing the baby, giving 3-year-old a bath and helping the oldest with a 3-d diorama of Ferdinand Magellan (that’s due on the 30th and she just found out about today)?

Tune in and find out.”
‪#‎LifeChef‬
‪#‎ThatWhcihDoesntKillMeMakesMeDrink‬

But sadly, tonight wasn’t my night… I can see Bravo with the sad music as my update episode plays…

“If you’re been waiting with bated breath for tonight’s Life Chef results….

I would have been kicked off the show.

Got home, heated oven, put baby to bed, got big guy in PJ’s, played a game with middle monkey and then, only then, realized I had yet to put the rigatoni in the preheated oven.

“Outnumbered Mother… please pack your knives, your front carrier, your paci’s, your pack N play, your son’s algebra HW, your annoying toddler, your husband, your baby, your older son, his soccer ball, your shitty attitude and go.”

#‎IJustWantedToMakeTheFinal3‬
‪#‎LifeChef‬

Padma Lakshmi would be happy to see our 5 little silhouettes fade into the horizon.

After all, she’s a Mom now too…

 

Badass Bionic Supermom and The Common Cold

I’m such a freaking baby when I’m sick.

Right now I have a cold. But in my mind I’m Scarlett O’Hara taking care of a pregnant, near death, Melanie as we flee the burning south. “Oh, Fiddle Dee Dee!” All I want is the red soil of Tara between my toes, and this cough, runny nose, headache and post nasal drip to leave my Plantation. For good.

And of course, when you’re sick, everything seems unmanageable and overwhelming. But I did get a great deal accomplished today even though I feel like shit, Thank you DayQuil. But all of a sudden, my to-do list seemed to have a certain urgency… Like, I HAD to write some thank you notes for the baby gifts today… HAD TO! I have no clue why? And I HAD TO, couldn’t live another day in this house, without finally folding and putting away the laundry.

Why is that? Why when we feel our physical worst do we push ourselves to accomplish things that really can wait until tomorrow? The sky wasn’t gonna fall if I spent a day in bed with the baby, only to get up to pick up and drop off the other kids.

Maybe it’s because when I’m sick, I feel weak. And the idea of myself being weak goes in the opposite direction of the Badass Bionic Supermom I want to be. It’s not that I don’t have those days… we all have those days… but giving in to the germs, admitting defeat, that some bug has beaten me and stolen even one freaking day from me…. pisses me off.

I have friends with, and hear stories about people who are fighting real sickness. Cancer, AIDS, MS, Immune System Diseases, MRSA (the list is endless) …. REAL, life changing, life ending illness… and I can’t believe I’m this angry that I have a cold.

Sometimes my inner big baby needs a nice, steaming, hot bowl of reality check.